The actual ceremonies go pretty well, thankyouverymuch. During the events - of which there are three - I actually have one of the easiest jobs. I have to catch the prizewinners after they leave the stage and send them up in the correct order at the end to get their prizes. Oh how they laugh at the students who win more than one and I have to get them back in time to go on stage again.
There are a couple of awkward moments as the reader reads out a name that he shouldn't and no-one steps up. The same man panics as he realises he is about to read a boy's name and it is quite clearly a blond girl waiting in line. Eventually he sees me jumping up and down and gesticulating wildly at the student on crutches in the front row, who is now thoroughly confused about whether he should try to stand up or not.
The rest of the time I spend wandering about while people come running up to me in a panic demanding answers. This student is on crutches, so-and-so has disappeared and it starts in two minutes, I'm NOT reading this! Where is the lunch? Not on the list... debtors... they're dead... I battle with the security goons and a girl offers me a fiver for getting her a seat. But the bloke in charge said... the Goon splutters. I AM The Bloke in charge! I say.
All in all it goes surprisingly well, there are comments on how calm everything is this year. But I do actually have nervous butterflies all day. The Dean sends out a congratulatory email and most of the hilarious errors he mentions didn't happen at our event. Except for the Pro Vice-Chancellor knocking a glass of water off the pulpit, but who could prevent that? And the Pro Chancellor getting really upset when our staff kept calling her Pro VICE instead. She punishes us all by giving the most boring speech ever written in the most boring way imaginable.
The night before, I am home at about 8 because everyone else always works to 5pm, don't they? This means that I am sent the final list of registrations at 5, so that someone ELSE can go home on time with the knowledge of a job well done.
Except that she sends me the wrong list.
In fact, she sends the wrong list to the wrong person and goes home, so I have to phone someone else in her office, get them to log in to her machine, find the last thing she was looking at and send that to me.
And then send me the right list after I realise I will be here all night checking things the long way.
In an incredible twist of fate, I encounter someone in the kitchen this morning who is not only using the EXACT SAME cafetiere model as me, but also has the EXACT SAME tasty organic coffee! I worry about parallel universes until three month old minutes take over my life.
