Skip The Budgie

Whilst wandering aimlessly around the faculty - well stocking up on stationary mainly - I get a whiff of the past. You know how sometimes a smell can throw you back and suddenly you're there, a little child with no responsibilities and life is all just play and sweets. This memory is of me riding my bike down to the village from my house near Boot in Eskdale, Cumbria to buy my weekly Twix and Beano.

So I'm transfixed in the corridor, with a fistful of timetables, watching this little blonde boy whistle his way (I used to whistle a lot) round the little country lanes on his chopper-bike, smelling the rich country smells and I can almost (but not quite) see the entire journey in my head.

When I get to the shop, I find that the price of the Beano has gone up and I can't afford to get the comic AND a Twix! What a dilemma for a ten year-old! Comic or sweets? Chocolate or funnies? Of course I do what every little boy would have done. I put the Twix in my pocket and buy the Beano.

I don't get away with it though. I am nearly out of the door when he calls me back, maybe it's my sweaty palms, the bright red face, the shifty eyes? He grabs my arm and starts shouting. Of course I turn to the next line of defence. He is on the verge of calling my parents - my dad's the vicar - how will THAT look? But he takes pity on me and confiscates the Twix and sends me on my way.

This is the same man who a few years later, pays me £2 an hour to spend my Saturday morning cleaning the mud of the walking boots that he hires to tourists. He doesn't mention the incident, yet it is chiselled into my brain.

I have never told anybody of my Twix-stealing shame - now you know what sort of a petty criminal I really am!

But I never steal again. Well I say never, I mean I pocket a couple of tapes in Virgin, but the Fear eventually stops me doing even that. I'm just not the sort of guy who gets away with it. Whenever I got pressured into taking part in Dorm Raids, or anything naughty at school, I ALWAYS got caught.

It is probably at this moment that I learn that I cannot lie. If you ever suspect me of hiding something, just ask me and I'll tell you right out. Don't trust me with any big secrets that other people will ask me about because I will tell them! Life is so much easier when you are upfront and honest though. People just don't know how to deal with it.

My brother has finally finished his latest film (been work in progress for months now...), so enjoy...

30 racers, you know it's going to be tough, at least half of them can't get round at a decent pace. My best is still only 1:30, Pole here was 1:26.

So.. here we go, the chat is full of people saying 'be careful, be careful, we have 15 laps to crash'...

This is typical of an rFactor monaco experience.

Still, I've won 3 races in the last few days - twice round Kyalami (Pole 1:10:4) and once round Hockenheim (1:49.8).

"Has anyone lost their lucky underwear !!!!!!! A pair of "Lucky pants" (brand new) have been handed into reception. As I am sure no one will want to claim them from reception, they will be sent to lost property in the morning. Please collect from there!!!!!!"

Some things are really, really bad for you. I'm not talking about really hot curries, or saying someone else's name at a critical moment, or even going out drinking on a school night, but rather that on no account, no matter how nosey you are, or how great the temptation, if you love your eyes, should you look at...

AUGENKREBS

Seriously, just don't bother. It will hurt you really badly. Even if you are a glutton for punishment please, please don't look at the rest of the images, even though some of them are quite funky and animated. Trust me, your eyes will not forgive you.

If you are epileptic, whatever you do, DON'T look at this page, although to be fair they will all probably set you off if you are so inclined.

If you DO find yourself transfixed and unable to see for a few days, then don't come crying to me just because you couldn't keep your clicking finger still.

If you need to practice restraint, please visit dontclick.it and see how long you can survive!

(This is the end of the Public Service Announcement)

So I return from the mudfest and there is a veritable queue outside my office. Yes, I say, of course I sorted out all your problems while I was at Glastonbury. Having barricaded myself in I trawl through the emails and see who else wants to talk to me on Facebook.

...

Three weeks later I return from my glorious two week holiday and there is a veritable queue outside my office. Yes, I say, of course I sorted out all your problems while I was in Cornwall. Having barricaded myself in I trawl through the emails and see who else wants to talk to me on Facebook.

The surf in Cornwall is good, we go to some nice National Trust places and it only rains a little. I have great pleasure in (being coerced into) playing the lovely ancient Steinway piano in the big hall in Lanhydrock House that I was too cowardly to play last year. I play some Yann Tiersen (the same pieces I played at Glastonbury - stick to what you know) and people applaud. It's nice. I also play the other piano there, a broadwood. The action is much looser but it has a nice, mellow sound.

In the tea room I am asked if I play professionally and everyone thinks I'm famous. A man is overheard saying to his wife That young man playing the piano - he has a ring in his eyebrow! This becomes the anecdote of the day. I play again before we leave and the woman / guide / volunteer / whatever is delighted.

We move to a bigger house with a nice big (ish - 70ft) garden and it all goes very smoothly, the Big Strong Men do their job well and we are excellent at unpacking. The house has a worrying lack of useful sockets though. The living room only has two and they are in stupid places.

We have installed our fancy new music system by Sonos, which is amazing and we are busy buying furniture and organising things. As soon as I get my camera to stop being stuck on manual focus I'll take some pictures...

Blimey, what a mudfest! more details to follow - what was I doing? Well here's a poorly pixellated taster, taken on my phone from where I was standing, keeping the hoardes 'safe' from fire:

There is Big News.

(WARNING: Boring life of the Dash update...)

It is tough not hearing as much music as I'd normally like, but there is a reason. Perhaps I should start writing emotive CD reviews instead, at least that wouldn't cost me any money. It's not that I'm poor, it's just that I've pledged all my spare money to the new house.¹

Yup, I said it - New House!

Way, way back, while I was reminiscing about my time in India and such, the GF and I put an offer in on a house we liked. We had to sell ours quickly, and we did - on the very morning it went on sale - for the asking price too, which was Good.

About six or seven months later, as the chain resolves itself we finally have a house we can call our own! Apparently the delay is all something to do with the people at the end (six houses in the chain), who at first are procrastinating because they haven't found anywhere to live yet. Then they decide to go into rented accommodation to allow us all to move and it is going to be all done and dusted by the end of March.

We discover a that we are actually all waiting for these people at the end to get retrospective planning permission for a naughty extension and our lives are in the balance...

Of course now it's all confirmed, the surveys are done and we're booking removal men and packing and sorting out what to throw away (not MY stuff!), because that's what you do when you move.

There are big plans for my play room, almost all my music toys (4 guitars, keyboard, guitar amp, mixer etc) are in storage at the GF's parents' house and I can't wait to get them back and built into a hugely complicated desk/shelf arrangement integrated with my computer. Also in storage since December are all my CD's (a paltry 800 or so), vinyl (much less), books and sundry items of dubious worth. Oh how I've missed it all. Not that I've been unhappy, I still have my piano and computer!

Expect to see lots of pictures of the extension and the transformation of the garden when we finally move in, which will be in July. Preliminary sketches:

Now that the line-up has been published¹, I have made myself a preliminary wishlist, pending working hours etc. I don't get to see anything after about 9:30 because I work from 10-2 each night.

The line up is so uninspiring though. I'm struggling at this stage to find the gigs I absolutely cannot miss and have only highlighted two on each day so far. There are a lot of unknowns, I'm happy to take recommendations - quite a few of my Choke buddies are playing too, mainly on the bandstand I think.

So I'll probably just hang around the Jazz/World stage most of the time or amuse myself by chasing muddy naked people around with my camera.

Friday

• 10:40 - Adjegas (P)
• 13:10 - Gogol Bordello (P)
• 19:45 - Toumani Diabate and the Symmetric Orchestra (JW)

Saturday

• 17:40 - Lou Rhodes (Park)
• 19:00 - DJ Yoda (Dance East)

Sunday

• 13:30 - Mahala Rai Banda (JW)
• 14:10 - Marley Brothers present the 30th anniversary of Exodus (P)
• 17:20 - Dame Shirley Bassey (P)
• 17:40 - Tinariwen (JW)

See? Everything else is either unknown, or 'meh' for me but I'm sure as usual there'll be lots of hidden gems and secret appearances. Here is the lineup for the Dance and Fire stage where I work:

Dance Saddlespan Stage

• Carnival Collective
• Flamenco Aire
• The Esuapim Cultural Troupe
• Shindig
• Eletricat/Abolicao
• The Jaipur Kawa Brass Band
• Saddlers Wells
• Pronghorm
• The Twilight Dancers
• Rhythm Wave
• Cut A Shine
• Zambula
• Courtney Orange
• Resonance
• The Twilight Dancers
• Siyaya
• Zoid
• Courtney Orange
• Barnstormer
• John Otway
• Big Beats
• Bill Bailey

Fire Corner
"Up in fire corner, in the north east corner of Glebeland Theatre Field, there will be a great fire show on Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights from Solar, Elemental and the Festival Fire Swingers. And, on Thursday once it is dark, and on Friday and Saturday, once the Saddlespan Dance Stage has closed, come and watch the amazing Eddie Egal and Arson Art present their stunning flame show "Pyronautic". 60 foot flames, sexy actors and some truly dangerous and ravishing effects – not to be missed."