Skip The Budgie

Somehow I find myself lumbered with the impressively tedious task of providing references for students. It is a job that seems to have been tagged on to the role, more of a Well they've always done it, than it actually having any relevance to anything else I do. So I look up students, demand signatures, write brief unrevealing letters and palm as many off onto absent academics as I am allowed.

I don't do character assassinations, only dates and awards - I am only admin after all and can't be expected to know them all personally¹. Usually this is all that's required, they are usually temp agencies. Occasionally there are some corkers. I receive a call from an agency, who are disappointed to learn that I have told them that a student has withdrawn after 2 years without getting anything. He essentially failed first year and didn't turn up for second year. But we have a certificate here, saying he got a 2:1 they assure me. Naturally I am interested to learn how someone manages to get a 2:1 when they failed after year 2, so I ask for a copy.

The 'certificate' is on headed paper, sure. It has our fancy certificate logo on it, certainly. There is a bit of formal wording saying that the Academic and Administrative Staff are please to commend the award of... (as if the admin staff care), which bears no resemblance whatsoever with any genuine certificates. The crowning glory of the forgery is the signature of our current Vice Chancellor (circa 2008), poorly copied and dated 2005. Someone is now in a lot of trouble.

British Airways are at great pains to point out that they will hold me legally responsible if it turns out I get a date slightly wrong:

A student applies for a job with a hippy-hating security company:

Lastly, to entertain oneself during those long hours at work, why not hide in the loos until you hear some important people having a conversation outside,² then flush, step out and with great deliberation place the CAUTION: Wet Floor sign outside. Take photos of their faces.