Skip The Budgie

One of our temps quits. There is a some muted rejoicing, although he was going to be replaced by this latest round of interviews anyway. His replacement will be one of our own students, with next to no experience, which is ideal really and hopefully she will be much easier to get along with. Just weird, is all.¹

He quits under a cloud of minor controversy, discovering that I am his boss the moment after he tells me to fsck off! in a jokey sort of way. He quits that same evening in tears (of the crocodile variety I suspect), even though it was taken in the spirit in which it was intended (like I give a fsck). My boss says that she wishes she had set me on him before, we've had to put up with a lot of crap for quite a while now.²

The other annoying temp is coming to the end of his tenure, surprising us all by not causing complete chaos as he is the one who is packing all the exam papers together. A little bit stressed but life goes on... HIS replacement starts on Monday (thank God!) and we might actually have some people who work and care about what they do, rather than talk about films all day or wind me up by just being. Perhaps I am too hopeful?

He is very grumpy today, has been for a while, perhaps it's that I keep asking / telling him to get on and do mundane jobs for me. There is a lot more to his role, but I have been doing most of it for the last few months as he can't cope / be trusted with more than one thing at a time. There is one thing I've been trying to get him to do for weeks, it involves going through a load of boxes, taking out old stuff, putting in new stuff. I suspect that I'll be doing it myself when work finishes because it has to be done by tomorrow.

The string tightens, and frays.

Somehow I find myself lumbered with the impressively tedious task of providing references for students. It is a job that seems to have been tagged on to the role, more of a Well they've always done it, than it actually having any relevance to anything else I do. So I look up students, demand signatures, write brief unrevealing letters and palm as many off onto absent academics as I am allowed.

I don't do character assassinations, only dates and awards - I am only admin after all and can't be expected to know them all personally¹. Usually this is all that's required, they are usually temp agencies. Occasionally there are some corkers. I receive a call from an agency, who are disappointed to learn that I have told them that a student has withdrawn after 2 years without getting anything. He essentially failed first year and didn't turn up for second year. But we have a certificate here, saying he got a 2:1 they assure me. Naturally I am interested to learn how someone manages to get a 2:1 when they failed after year 2, so I ask for a copy.

The 'certificate' is on headed paper, sure. It has our fancy certificate logo on it, certainly. There is a bit of formal wording saying that the Academic and Administrative Staff are please to commend the award of... (as if the admin staff care), which bears no resemblance whatsoever with any genuine certificates. The crowning glory of the forgery is the signature of our current Vice Chancellor (circa 2008), poorly copied and dated 2005. Someone is now in a lot of trouble.

British Airways are at great pains to point out that they will hold me legally responsible if it turns out I get a date slightly wrong:

A student applies for a job with a hippy-hating security company:

Lastly, to entertain oneself during those long hours at work, why not hide in the loos until you hear some important people having a conversation outside,² then flush, step out and with great deliberation place the CAUTION: Wet Floor sign outside. Take photos of their faces.